​About a month ago, I started counseling for the first time. I knew I needed help and I had been masking a lot of my mental health issues for a while. Although counseling should be making me feel better, I am in a stage where it is really hard. It is exhausting to begin to recognize all the ways my anxiety manifests in my life. I’ve known I had anxiety for a long while but I didn’t realize how many parts of my life were not normal to constantly worry about. 

My therapist told me I have extreme anxiety. Different ways this manifests in me is a racing heart and feelings in my stomach. I have dizzy spells in adulthood but I had always chalked it up to low blood sugar or low protein from veganism or dehydration. However, my recent bloodwork says I am extremely healthy and not vitamin deficient. There are a lot of parts of me that I always thought were cute and quirky, like my forgetfulness and how I go on tangents and jump around when telling stories. I called myself longwinded, but again it is anxiety-induced. I could go on and on (as long-winded as I am) on the various symptoms I possess but just know it is vast. 

Recently, I have felt my anxiety is getting worse and worse. But frankly, I feel I am just more aware of it. I have suppressed my anxiety using my own symptoms of anxiety: fears of look inadequate and of disapproval. I always thought no one wants to be friends or work with an anxious person. So I buried it deep and masked it with a smile and swore to take care of others above myself. 

What if we made it the norm to talk openly about the things we are struggling with. I have a handful of friends in my life that I can do this with; you know who you are and I am thankful for your openness and acceptance of me. However, I also have friends who have ignored me when I tell them about a problem or my mental health. And partially that may be because it is challenging to help others with their issues when you are struggling yourself. It can feel very overwhelming to talk about mental health. I have done this far too many times. When others have talked to me about issues they are having, sometimes all I can do to cope is tune them out and just be a listening board. I’m not saying it is right but I am saying I do understand when others have a hard time hearing about what I may be going through. But it also can feel like an incomplete friendship when it’s completely ignored. 

Ultimately, I started this blog and my Instagram to help my coworkers and friends who wanted to eat more plant-based, then growing into helping others with general wellness. But when those tips and habits weren’t enough for me, I needed to find someone to help me. After opening up about my own mental health issues on here, I have had many people resonate with it and reach out to me to check on me, which is extremely challenging. As someone who always wants to appear “good” because of my anxiety, it can be hard when people talk with me about what I write and check-in with me because it causes me to recoil into my old habits. I immediately deflect and put a smile on my face. Some days I am good and some days I feel as though I can’t even handle someone checking on me. For those who have checked in, please keep doing it. If I deflect, I give you permission to hold me accountable. 

We often talk about wanting to be seen and heard but how often do we even allow that? I know I crave people to understand me but I rarely let people close enough to do just that. This is something I am going to work on in my relationships: allowing my full, anxious, sometimes depressed, adventurous self to be seen and heard. 

Will you join me?

I am not okay, but I am enough. 

Everyone mentions it and makes jokes about it but who really is talking about what it feels like? For me, summer has always been my favorite season. I don’t mind the heat and I crave being out in the sun, feet in the sand or the dirt, and feeling life with each step. When the sun starts the get dimmer and further away, it makes me feel dimmer and further away too. The days get shorter and colder, which means less time I want to be outside. 


It’s a feeling of restlessness and boredom. You want to do things and be accomplished, but at times the energy just isn’t there. It feels like my energy comes and goes with the sun. 


I find myself becoming less motivated and more paranoid. Do my friends like me? Am I just annoying to them? The self-doubt leaks in with the chill from the wind outside. Typically, I unconsciously balance this out by distracting myself: I plan an adventure. Whether it be to a national park or somewhere international. I plan to forget the sadness and worry I feel during the winter months. With the pandemic, this is hard to do. So I sit around wanting to do more but not always having the energy to do what I want to do. 


And I know I’m not alone. Most people struggle with seasonal depression in one form or another. Some of us think of ourselves as sun-babies. We compare ourselves to plants. But where does that leave us when our hormones are thrown off by changes in sun patterns? What do we do to help ourselves? 


This is something I’ve felt a big struggle with this year. Specifically, within the last few weeks, I’ve felt a similar seasonal depression from one I experienced four years ago, that got REALLY bad. And that’s scary. When you’ve been in a dark place you want to do everything you can to keep yourself from going there again. It’s this feeling of familiarity and dread creeping back into you. It’s not something I talk with anyone about. I’ve never told my friends or family when I’ve felt depressed or sad. I pretend like I am “fine” and listen to their problems, even when it feels like I can’t bear to hear another thing because it would be too much for me to handle. Sometimes, I have to tune out other people when they are describing things in their life that make them unhappy because it’s overwhelming to imagine advising someone else when I am not well myself. 


So, today, I am trying something for myself and see what Google can tell me to help all of us with seasonal depression. 


Here are the top tips: 

1. Open those blinds and curtains. Even if it’s too cold to go out, let whatever sun there is inside. 
2. Maintain a routine. Consistency is next to kin with feeling safe. 
3. Try out a virtual vacation. I’m going to go on one today to the Caribbean and plan a pretend vacation! 
4. Vitamin D. I have vegan vitamins that I have been terrible at taking lately (and I wonder why I’m not feeling well?!??) 
5. Plan ahead. This winter is going to be a long winter, with lots of isolation due to the pandemic. I’m going to plan to FaceTime at least one friend each week and exercise and take my vitamins every day. 
6. Seeking professional help. Sometimes routines and distractions won’t be enough to fully help. Remember that seasonal depression literally alters one's hormonal balance, which sometimes requires medication or a doctor to manage.

It’s not much. But it’s something. To anyone suffering from seasonal depression: I’m with you. We will make it to sunnier days. 


If you or a loved one is suffering from a mental illness and not sure where to start, try contacting SAMHSA at 1-800-662-4357. This is a free service to advise on the next steps locally. ​